Over the weekend, I received two thank you notes, from the son and daughter of a good friend. They were written in their own hands, and their own words, though I suspect Madeline might have been given a hint to use the word “genre.” I had visited them recently, and delivered some rather overdue birthday presents – Ollie’s birthday is in January! – and so they had thanked me in person. I was very touched by the notes, particularly Ollie’s, which was addressed simply to “Aunty (Mali).”
For the last 29 years, I have been sending various nieces and nephews birthday and Christmas presents. I’m not always on time, but as one of my now-grown nieces once said, “we always know we’ll get something from you, we’re just never quite sure when.” I usually enjoy shopping for the presents, indulging the child in me as I don’t have any of my own to indulge. But I have very rarely been sent thank you notes, and rarely too do I even receive acknowledgement from the parent that I sent the gift. And I won’t say it hasn’t irritated me over the years. I get tired of asking the mothers of these children if they have received the gift. As most of my nieces and nephews live overseas, the cost of posting these parcels isn’t cheap, and so at the very least I like to know they have arrived. If I’m lucky I will get a response saying yes they arrived. I have never received thank you notes (or emails), even from children who a) are extremely articulate and intelligent (according to their parents), and b) are adept at emailing (because their parents have boasted of an email correspondence with another relative), and c) receive the gifts in the midst of the school holidays, and so have time to write a paragraph or two. I write them notes, and ask them questions, and receive a deafening silence in return. I often send clothes to the girls, and frequently ask for photos of them in the clothes. I have seen one photograph of the Californians in some clothes I sent them, even though they’re now nine going on nineteen.
Am I a relic of the distant past, expecting the occasional thank you from children I remember every year? (I guess that makes my friend, the mother of Madeline and Ollie a relic too! She will not be pleased to hear that!) I try so hard not to begrudge the time, effort, and yes, money, that goes to these children, when I have none of my own. I don’t expect lavish gifts in return, and I certainly don’t want the children or the parents to feel indebted to me. A simple acknowledgement, a smile (in an email or on a note), would be sufficient. Thankfully, Ollie gave me one, drawing a huge smile on his note as he said thank you for his signed Hurricane’s shirt that he “really, really, really, likes.”
Addendum: My friend informs me that the children decided to write the notes themselves, and that “she didn’t have anything to do with it other than to have been told off for leaving the notes sitting on the bench for a week!!”
Apologies then to Madeline who obviously came up with “genre” completely on her own.
My rule is always thank you notes after birthdays (or odd times), and at Christmas if you didn’t open things in person. This is because my inlaws totally overdo Christmas–there are grandparents and great-grandmother and aunts and uncles and great-aunts and uncles and cousins and oy. We’d be writing notes well into March. But if something arrives in the mail, there’s a note.
My mother never had me write thank-you notes and I think she did me a disservice.
One Christmas I couldn’t attend Mike’s grandmother’s family’s gift exchange, but I sent in my place three hand-knit cabled scarves in masculine colors that I thought were gorgeous. Not a word returned to me. That’s when I stopped caring about that whole mess.
Mali, I have some of the same issues. Occasionally my one set of nieces/nephews send notes. About 50% of the time, maybe, or I might hear from their mom that they’ve received them, at least. But sometimes not. The others I rarely hear anything. A year ago I sent my teenage nephew the first season of Flight of the Conchords and heard nothing! I considered it a high-risk gift but never even heard if he got it. Then it gets to be so long that I’m too embarrassed to ask, especially if he didn’t like it.
Lately I’ve been wondering at what age I just start sending cards.
I feel your pain. And your joy at having received thank-you notes!
(And, for the record, if the gift exchange happens in person, I don’t expect a note.)
The whole irony of this is that the very children I did NOT expect thank you notes from (Madeline and Ollie) because they thanked me in person (Ollie jumped up and down and gave me the thumbs up), were the only ones I received notes from. Sigh.
I stopped sending gifts to my grown nieces when they turned 18. If we spend Christmas together, they get something, but that’s it.
Obviously this is a universal irritant. At the very least nieces and nephews should post a quickie thank you on Facebook. Maybe I’ll make a copy of this post and enclose it with the next gift to my nephews.
I am curious about the gift you gave Madeline that inspired the use of the word “genre”? Too funny.
I guess I’m in the minority here. I do not get annoyed by lack of note or acknowledgment of receipt. I sometimes wonder if the gift got to the person, but never get upset. I sent notes all the time as a kid, and later an adult, but more recently have given it up for a phone call or email instead.
I used to insist my kids send thank you notes for all gifts received, but my husband said he didn’t think they should send thank you notes for Christmas. Since they ended up not sending them for Christmas then they eventually quit sending them for anything but birthday party gifts. My daughter did send thank you notes for graduation gifts — but it took an awful lot of reminding. I think she still has 3 to send.
Dona, I think you said it all when you said you give a phone call or email, if not a note. A call or email would be great.
Maybe it wouldn’t bother me if I had kids, and they received gifts from their cousins, who receive gifts from me, and in that way the reciprocal thanks thing would almost work unsaid. Or maybe I’m just old-fashioned.
I should have just commented on how great it was that your friend’s children took it upon themselves to write the notes to you. It really was!
Thank-you notes are a sore subject with me — when I was married we left for a 7-week trip to Europe nearly immediately. As soon as we got back to the States we moved from Pittsburgh to DC. I wrote thank-you notes as soon as I could find my pens, blank notes, addresses & gift list once we moved, but still got nasty notes & phone calls from wedding guests wondering where their thank you note was. It really set me against the whole gift giving/getting/writing note process. (I still hate Christmas!)
On top of that — it is always left up to me to formally thank folks for gifts (and left up to me to bug the kids) as my husband doesn’t think it is part of his responsibility.
/end of rant/
Dona: Rant highly justified!