I get very annoyed that almost thirty years on from my entry into the world as an adult woman, feminism still is an issue, even if most of the young women today don’t know it. I am frustrated and disappointed that the glass ceilings still exist 20 years on. That my capable friends in the diplomatic service are still seen as pushy or whiny when they speak up for themselves or others, when their male counterparts are seen as strong and determined. That a blunt, plainly spoken woman is seen as slightly inappropriate but that a man is congratulated for speaking his own mind and “being his own man.” (Don’t get me started on stereotypes about men in business. That’s a whole different post). That my sister-in-law, as soon as she has children, is seen first as a mother not as a Partner by her colleagues in the law firm. That my female friends are the ones who have to juggle or sacrifice their careers to cope with the family and home and their partners, and that their partners accept this and see it even now as the natural way of things. That I have had to work harder to prove myself with my board colleagues, even simply to be heard, than any of the male Directors. The glass ceilings are still there. And yes we can break through them. But it shouldn’t be such hard work. And when it is, we should know that, recognise that, and still fight for it. There’s too much at stake not to fight.
Yet at the same time, I look at my own life. Am I a hypocrite? I opted out of both diplomatic and corporate lives, not because I couldn’t cope, but because I couldn’t bear to have to conform (and hold my tongue) for the next 10-20 years of my life. At the time several of my (female) friends did the same thing. Capable, experienced, talented women, exiting corporate life to go into business for themselves. My teenage niece N once suggested that I was a cop-out for not staying and proving that women could get to the top of the pile. I didn’t really have an answer for her, because she sounded just like me in the 1980s. And I’m not sure I can face the expectations of the 20-something Mali, or destroy N’s own expectations. Except to say that I stuck at it for almost 20 years, and that corporate success isn’t the only measure of success in business … and is no measure of success in life.
These days I am self-employed, which means (in my sometimes indulgent form of self-employment) that I don’t work full-time. So my husband takes most of the financial responsibility of our marriage. My contributions are more intermittent – the ups and downs of self-employment mean I have good years and lean years. With more time, I now undertake the majority of the traditional female domestic chores, (though if I do say so myself I cook because I’m damned good at it and besides I prefer my food over my husband’s). I even iron. Gasp.
But at the same time I am doing well in my non-traditional career. I am Chair of the company now (and it’s doing really well), I have good clients, and invitations to join other Boards. I have time for personal interests, including volunteer work (which has become extremely important to me) and of course blogging and, after years of travelling internationally for work, I like being home for my husband, for my relationship, my family and friends, and yes, for me.
I don’t think it’s hypocritical. After all, wasn’t feminism all about the freedom? Freedom from tradition? Freedom of choice? Freedom to be, not a man or a woman, but just the person you are and want to be.
I hope that’s what it’s about. I’m interested to hear more about your corporate and diplomatic experiences. What would have happened if you had spoken out?
LikeLike
I find that just because I’m the one at home most of the time (I work from home nearly full time now), I’m also the one responsible for the domestic stuff including cooking, buying groceries, making appointments and taking the kids to them, laundry and occasionally ironing. Husband does some cleaning — but mostly delegates it to the kids which makes weekends hell around here.
Not sure it is a male/female thing or work from home vs work at an office thing.
(and to be fair — I cook for the same reason you do — I like my food better and like to do it, for the most part).
LikeLike
Helen, I generally did speak out. And that doesn’t work. Contrary to stereotype, I found the men would grumble privately, then suck up to their bosses just to get on. Whereas I was more intent on outcomes and principles, and would speak up when I thought things were wrong. I couldn’t bear the thought of not speaking my mind and conforming for the next 20 years so left.
LikeLike
I have nothing to really add, but want to say that I am very much enjoying this series… thank you.
LikeLike